Vacation

Today is the third day of being up in the mountains of Georgia. It has been a much need break. I am always surprised when I get out of Miami and the pace of everywhere else. Often I feel like I am running 1,000 miles an hour in Miami but not getting anywhere. Whenever I go to places like Georgia and Texas I always spend the first couple days feeling restless and antsy, not understanding why I can't calm down. I get so wound up with the everyday needs that it takes a while for me to calm down. The problem is that whenever I get away I realize I need to set boundaries and be healthier back in Miami, then I get back and that all goes out the window... what can be done to make this time any different?

...everything has changed, and will continue to change...

It's funny how things that seem certain can be gone the next minute. It's weird how hearts change and personalities shift. It's weird how you can miss something right under you nose....everything has changed, and will continue to change...

Swatting Sparrows

Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest....oh that Solomon. You and your wisdom. There is nothing more frustrating than misunderstandings. I wish I could just rip open my head and hand my brain to people. It drives me crazy when people don't understand what I am trying to do or say. What is the solution to this? I think all I can do is try to live in integrity and trust that God is my vindicator...it is just frustrating to live in the faith of that reality.

....reflections...

Wow, I can't believe it is already July. It seems like only yesterday that Christmas was here, and now we are halfway back to it. I feel like the year goes so fast and when do we ever slow down to look back? How much of what God does is overlooked because we are always moving onto the next thing? I feel like the pace of Miami is so fast paced that I never find myself with time to reflect. You have to fight for it here. Am I fighting for it? I don't think I am... could this be what I need for a new season? I hope so...

....so apparently I suck at blogging...

I have found that there are some things which are essential to the life of a blogger, one being the internet. For some time now I haven't had internet at my house which makes posting an online journal exceptionally difficult. Either way, I find myself at work waiting for things to finish uploading before I can leave and I figure blogging would be better than watching some rerun of a show online.

Life is odd isn't it? What makes one person so much more likely to be optimistic than others? I know people on both sides of the fence and they seem to be very very different. I sometimes find myself on either side of the fence, not knowing if I have dual citizenship.

Right now we are under alot of changes at work. My department shifted, staffing is shifting, my position might be shifting...into oblivion...in the near future. In the midst of all this where do I find myself? I dunno....it's almost like the optimism fence is more of an electric dog fence which is running out of juice. Am I optimistic? I don't see a divider...

God is in control...the statement which holds so much truth and so much bull at the same time. Let me clarify. God loves me. God is all knowing, all powerful, all good. And, I know that in all things God works towards the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. This is truth. The bull comes in when people throw it out there. Oh....my cat died...don't worry, God is in control. Something about people throwing that out there in the midst of that or other circumstances makes me angry inside.

I feel like so much of my life is shrouded in uncertainty. It seems that whenever I feel like I have a big direction to go somewhere, things get pulled out from under my feet. I have been in this constant place of treading water now for I don't know how long. I want to move forward...in something. I know this may sound really weird, but I was cleaning my room the other day and I had this strange feeling. It was that feeling you have about halfway through camp when you realize that the place you are occupying is not really your home. It is your temporary quarters yes, but it is not your home. I am not sure if this feeling came on because I just returned from CampU or if it was because in my sickness, I had been marathoning Kid Nation. Either way, it was odd.

For those of you who may read this, I would love it if you brought me before our Heavenly Father. I need direction and vision. I need momentum. I need a new season. I felt like God has been telling me that He has one for me for a while now, but I don't see anything on the horizon, with the exception of possibly losing my job. Maybe that is the season? I don't know. But I do know this....God is in control.

...valets and saunas....

So I had one of the weirder experiences of my life this weekend. On Friday I went to see The Ryan graduate from Gulliver. It is weird, I remember meeting him three years ago when he was about to start his sophomore year. He seems like a very different person today....anyway, although some of you may think Ryan graduating is the weird part, it isn't.

The Davis family, who is always more generous then I know what to do with, invited me to spend the weekend with them. They had rented rooms out at the Ritz-Carlton Spa/Resort on Key Biscayne and had gotten me a room. Needless to say, I am not accustomed to "vacationing at the Ritz" so I was more than overwhelmed upon arriving.

The valet (that's right, I don't park my car...pssshh) was friendlier than the majority of people I have ever met, picture a Best-Buy manager in Texas friendly. Then I walked inside, I was greeted four times before I got to the desk to check-in. They were all "yes sir" and "it would be my pleasure Mr. Spead." Yeah...weird pants... I went to my room, 8th floor... here are some pics...

That was the view from my room and the other is obviously the bathroom. But it was just strange to me that this is life for some people. Hear me, I don't blame them. It is amazing being treated like royalty but the whole time I felt alittle...detached...I think that is the word I am looking for.

Anywhoo.....food....food was incredible. Being a bachelor, I am not exactly trained in the fine art of cooking. For me, cooking normally consists of standing in line at Panera (yuuuummmm, love me some Panera). So, when the option of fine dining (free fine dining at that) is offered I am not one to pass it up. I took a few pictures of the food that ROOM SERVICE brought up to me...

So one is Eggs Benedict that I had for breakfast....you may (whoever you are) be tired of reading this by the end, but AMAZING!! It was definitely worth getting up early for. Another picture is the Turkey Club I had for dinner and then the Key Lime Pie with Mango Drizzle that I had for dessert. I also had some shrimp tacos with Mango salsa but I didn't take a photo.

The highlight of the weekend BY FAR was the spa. I am not a "spa person" normally. When I hear spa I think cucumbers and mud...neither of which sound like a good time to me. However, at the Ritz, they have the gentleman's spa which I went to check out. It was like a movie or something. The doorman gave me a locker key and gave me a brief tour. The lockers were all maple and had gold numbers on each of them. Following a disrobing you walk past the showers and the "grooming room" into the Gentleman's area. This room had a giant hot tub in it, a steam shower, and a dry sauna. 

I LOVE STEAM SHOWERS!! So you basically just sit there and sweat. Really? That's it? I don't have to move or walk outside in the summer? I can just sweat doing nothing? DOES THIS BURN CALORIES?!??! (No it doesn't fatty...) They also had some kind of mint something or other that came out with the steam so it was fresh.

Needless to say, there was a beach and a pool too, but come on, they didn't shoot out mint steam. All in all it was a very surprising blessing. These past few weeks have been building up stress because of several disappointments and I wanted to get away for a bit. Who knew you can do it in your own backyard?

God has better timing than I could ever imagine. Whenever I feel like I have been hit in the face, He is there. I hate how cheesy that sounds but its true. I feel neither left nor forsaken and I am far more grateful then I think I ever express to Him. God is good, even when life throws curve balls. 

I am looking forward to a few things coming up...CampU is on the horizon. It will be the come back of Seven Anyday. I am giddy. I love leading worship with those guys, it recharges and challenges me. I am also looking forward to the visit of DFanch in July, but more on that later. I have been rambling for a while....I am off to....do something other than blogging...

Decisions, decisions....

What do you do when friends are hurting? It seems like this is always a looming question for me. I mean, I know what I want when I am upset. The irony is that some things we want, but we don't want certain people to try to help us. So...what to do?

There is a part of me that always wants to invade into the place of peoples hurt and physically pull them out of their pain. Whether that is through distraction or trying to rationalizing I just want people to be able to move forward past pain.

David (my adopted Miami dad) said something very interesting to me tonight. He said the problem with people is that we try to perceptually understand an emotional event. We spend so much time and effort trying to understand why things happen. We say things like "why would God let this happen?" or "if I only knew what was going on I would feel better." The truth of the matter is that understanding why things happen doesn't remove the emotions attached to them.

Why are children kidnapped and forced to be soldiers? Because people are selfish and want power at any cost. There....not to trivialize it, but that seems to be the root. We now know why that happened, but does it take away our emotions about it? Nope.

I guess in the end all we can do is trust God and pray that our friends and loved ones are able to feel loved and move on past emotional events....that still frustrates me to no end though...

Catch-Up

So, how does one complain when their internet is down in a house where they are living for free? One does not do this. So, rather than being a bad person and blogging at church rather than praying or doing...whatever it is I do there...I have waited patiently until the time when I have internet...enter current scene...

I am sitting at Geoff's house with "the crew" outside who are all talking and chatting and for some reason, I am inside blogging. I truly feel like an anti-social blogger for the first time....j/k....but, not really.

Since my last post I went to the Orange Conference in ATL. For those of you reading (huh?) who don't know what the Orange Conference is you should look into it. It is put on by the re:think group and provides tools for churches to partner with parents to make a better impact in the lives of future generations. Sounds right up my alley right?

I am going to write later (internet permitting) about the content of the seminars and the worship experience but right now I feel the need to talk about something more pandemic and widespread than those...swine flu. That's right....the porky sickness.

While in ATL I came down with....digestive issues.... this then progressed to a fever, tremors, sore throat, body aches and chills. According to Wikipedia....THAT IS SWINE FLU!!! I really don't find out until tomorrow whether or not I have it, but until then... I COULD HAVE THE SWINE FLU!!! I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and the earliest he could see me is tomorrow...I wonder if I told him I might be containing the bane of the mexican people if he would have seen me sooner.

Currently there are only 3 cases in Miami-Dade county, but tomorrow...I could be the fourth.

...I am a copy cat...

Ok, so I read on a friends blog the list of Ten Things You Would Never Hear Her Say and I thought it was brilliant (although very simple...so maybe I am dumb and non-creative) so I wanted to do it too...

Ten Things You Probably Will Never Hear Me Say by Brent Spead

1. Yeah, you can just do so much more with a PC....

2. Let's go hang out at the nursing home in the Alzheimer wing...

3. Does that come in decaf?

4. How many calories is in that?

5. Lactose is the best thing in the whole world...

6. Yeah, people are great but I just trust cats more...

7. I should have bought a Kia....

8. Matt? No, I don't know anyone named Matt...

9. Mountain dew? No thanks, do you have any Diet Dr. Pepper?

10. You know, I can't remember the last time I saw a talking animal movie...we need more of those...

And there ya have it...ramblings of a tired mind who is trying to multi-task. Time to get my comforter out of the dryer...

Multi-tasking

So what is the deal with multi-tasking? I think the verdict is still out as to whether or not it is a good thing or a bad thing. I really really enjoy engaging in multiple things at the same time. Take now for instance...I have iTunes going. I am also talking to three people on AIM one person on SMS and I am blogging....while my wash is in the dryer. Doesn't this sound like a good thing to most people? I am gettting sooooo much done. Also, since I have been boycotting my Aderrol for about 3 months and I love it.

My team may not love it though. Sometimes when I am in meetings I get up and walk in circles. Other times I lay down on the ground and stare up at people. Random musicals run through my head. I kid you know, I started singing a song from Camelot which was sung by Robert Goulet in a meeting the other day. But all this is beside the point...multi-tasking...good or bad?

When thinking about this I sometimes wonder what Jesus' time looked like. I mean, I know when he was with his Father he was with his Father. I know when he was preaching the sermon the mount, he was preaching. But did Jesus ever multi-task? Did he ever do multiple things? I don't see him as ever being rushed. You never see Jesus saying, "gtg (or whatever the Hebrew letters are) I have something I gotta get to in Gaza."

Then again, we never read about Jesus eating (other than Passover) or doing his laundry, or blogging....lol...I would follow that blog. I dunno what the answer is. I dunno if I am over thinking. Or maybe, I am just blogging for the sake of blogging....you be the judge...

Am I Dumb?

It is almost 1:30 in the morning...I am about to be on my way to Coral Reef. Why? Cuz there is a hottub there and the guys want to go. I am going to regret this tomorrow. Yawn...

Kiss and Tell

Ok...I felt obligated to write about this following a conversation I had with a female today. She was telling me about an awkward first date and how the guy kissed her goodnight at the end of the evening, but she said she wasn't into it. Being pushy and not totally getting her meaning I asked her to explain. What came next was the absolute antonym of a kiss (in my opinion).

Said suitor was saying goodnight for the evening and went in to embrace my female friend. After a brief hug, they went to seperate from each other. Once they were about 8 inches apart the male pulls the female back in for a connection of lips. I was more than shocked. I felt obligated to explain to her...and now you (whoever you is...) how that is in no way a kiss. I have come up with my own criteria for what a first kiss must include.

1. Eye contact: There must be at least 3 second of uninterrupted eye contact within 30 seconds of the kiss.
2. A meeting in the middle: Guys need to go the majority of the way and allow the female to finish the remaining short distance. If a guy pulls the woman in, they are not allowing her to do her part and the kiss is one sided and more of a mouth rape.
3. I am not sure what three is but it seems like kissing should have more than 2 criteria right?

All that being said...gentleman...come on. If you are gonna kiss a girl, don't take advantage of hug proximity to overpower a female and pull them in for an awkward exchange of lip skin. Be a man and either get shot down or win the prize. None of this cheating crap...alright?

Hard Days Night

Ministry is friggin hard. Remember when things were easy? I remember, when I was younger, my mom would pick out my clothes for me AND make my lunch. The hardest thing I had to do was to get out of bed AFTER she woke me up. But now we have to do things like balance love and discipline. We have to walk a line where people can share their short-comings with us and we support them in their attempts and figure out how to love them in their rebellion.

What is love when someone doesn't think what they are doing is wrong? How do you love a kid while they are blatantly living outside of God's guidelines for their own safety? I am not a parent, but some kids today don't have parents. Who rebukes? Who loves? Who comforts? Who restricts? I don't know. How can I have been doing youth ministry for 7 years and feel like I know so little?

My heart breaks for these kids, seeing the things they are going through outside of their control. My heart breaks to see the decisions they choose to do sometimes. What can be done? What can change? Where is there hope?

At then end of the day, I know a few things to be true. In no particular order....Hope is found in Jesus alone. Hope for change (sorry Obama). Hope for peace. Hope for character. God has not called me to be the changer of all things negative in youth culture. God has shared His heart with me for specific teens. He has given me hope for them even if they have none for themselves. He has given me His heart so that I might share it with them....period. Jesus poured into Judas for 3 years; what did Judas do? He betrayed Jesus and handed him over to die. We say that so easily, but if one of my guys betrayed me and I died because of it people would not take that lightly, but we do...why is that?

God has called me to love. God has called me to follow His voice. God has called me to be faithful to His plans for my life, not His plans for their lives. Give me the wisdom to see the difference.

...all time low?

So it is late and I probably should be going to bed. But I believe the protocols of bloggers include the requirement that you do it late at night or avoiding something you should be doing (i.e. studying or sleeping). So in the spirit of true blogging...here I am. Have you ever debated which scenario is worse in your head and then you realized that the worse case scenario might be the debate? Take for example my current predicament...
I went kayaking yesterday in the Keys. Being that I am brilliant, I failed to put on sun screen. Also in line with my brilliance, I thought it would be a good chance to get some of the white shininess out of my thighs so I hiked up my shorts. My knees and formally vibrant thighs are now the color of a lobster covered in tomato sauce. However, since my position barely changed during the trek through the mangroves, my legs look like candy canes.
I was debating what was worse, this, or the fact that I found my friends argument compelling today as to why I should go read the Twilight series. I don't even remember the logic behind this encouraged purchase, but I remember thinking it was good at the time.
As I sat here in bed finishing up some work for tomorrow, I was debating which was worse. But the truth? I apparently have too much free time because I am debating which is worse, my sun burnt candy-cane stems, or the idea of reading a series of books targeted at young teenage girls.
Life apparently is not short...

...the beginning of the end...

I wonder how frequently I will actually do this. I feel like most people who take the time to blog are one of two things: a good writer or a depressed teenage girl. Since I am neither of those things...what am I doing here? For a while it seemed that "journaling" was all the rage. If you did not journal then you were not a good christian. Clearly Jesus and the 12 disciples would sit at Starbucks every morning at 5 AM with their Message Remix and their moleskin journal just waiting for the inspiration to come out.
Now that my page is drenched in sarcasm, I feel that I can proceed. I don't know what this is. I don't expect to know anytime soon. I don't even think people will ever see it. But...it helps me process. God is more than I know now. I want to process what He is doing in my life and use this as a way to work through things....I am tired...time to sleep....